I am very passionate about maternal mental health after having my son in 2020, right in the middle of the covid lockdown when there was so much uncertainty alongside being a new mother.
Having had a relatively low level of circumstantial anxiety, I wasn’t prepared for how my brain chemistry would change after giving birth. There was so much prep for the birth and for the month or so after, but I had no idea that the possibility of postnatal anxiety could happen to me and how I would deal with this.
I remember it being a very lonely time, and feeling ashamed and guilty that I couldn’t be present with my son – always worrying that something would happen to him, and that something or someone would take him away from me. Intrusive thoughts, feeling panicked if someone else held him for too long, needing to be in control of things all the time and not being able to relax. It felt as though I was constantly in fight or flight mode, and I remember my heart racing all the time. This lasted until he was a year old, and I feel as though I can’t remember much of that time. If I didn’t have photographic evidence that I was with him, it would just be a blur. I think it’s important to say that I was still seeing people, still attending baby classes, friends were still visiting, I was just hiding everything from them. Nobody knew what I was going through besides my husband, and it wasn’t necessarily obvious.
I reached a point where the anxiety became so palpable and so all consuming that I just couldn’t go on like I was. I saw a flyer come through the door one day for ‘Talk Plus’ on the NHS. They offered free talking therapy for anyone in my borough, and it seemed like it had come to me at the right time.
After an initial assessment, they determined that I was on one of the highest scales of anxiety they had based on the responses I had to their questions. I was offered a phone call with a psychotherapist, who determined that CBT would be a good option for me to really start to dismantle the worries and thoughts I was having, and re-train my brain so that I was thinking more rationally and working through things alongside someone. I spoke to my High Intensity CBT therapist for 6 months and after the work we did together my anxiety had substantially decreased, and I was feeling like myself again. It’s not to say that it doesn’t re-appear occasionally, but I now have a toolkit of worksheets and activities to challenge my way of thinking and be more understanding of the things I can’t control.
Perhaps you haven’t made peace with your birth, perhaps you’re feeling similar things that you can’t explain, or you’re ashamed to admit this to your friends and family – in which case I would encourage you to talk to someone and look after yourself during this time. It does get better, there is so much help there, and you will feel like yourself again.
I now work as a Peer Support Worker with Andover Mind, and through my work I have met so many women who I can identify with, and I have true empathy for what they’re going through after they have their children. It’s a privilege to be able to use my lived experience of postnatal anxiety to support people in this capacity, and I feel very lucky to be able to help in any way that I can.
Written by an Andover Mind peer support worker.
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